Spinning Yarns

I once read a statistic — although I have forgotten where — which claimed that of all the people surveyed, somewhere around 80% considered themselves to be “above-average” with respect to their skill at driving. I find this claim truly incredible, not least in light of the evidence I see each morning and evening when I am commuting the 24 miles or so between Nashua, NH, where I live, and Burlington, MA, where I work. Put quite simply, if this statistic represents reality, then the remaining 20% of the population is so staggeringly bad that they should have their hands cut off and their licenses revoked. Question is, though, how do you know which are which?

Broadly speaking, from chatting with an informal sample of drivers, I’ve come to the conclusion that everybody on the road seems to fall into one of the following categories:

“Asshole” (also: “jerk”, “dickhead”, “cocksucker”, “bastard”)

Someone who drives faster than you do, who pulls in in front of you, or who successfully prevents you from cutting into his lane.

“Stupid asshole”

The asshole switches lanes frequently.

“Stupid fucking asshole”

The stupid asshole doesn’t use his turn signal.

“Goddamned fucking stupid fucking asshole”

The stupid fucking asshole stops traffic in the passing lane so he can cut across multiple lanes of traffic to get to his exit.

“Idiot” (also: “loser”, “lardass”, “dumbfuck”, “shit-for-brains”)

Someone who drives slower than you do, or who tries unsuccessfully to cut in front of you.

“Stupid idiot”

The idiot stays constantly in the passing lane.

“Stupid fucking idiot”

The stupid idiot forgets to turn off his turn signal from three miles back so you can’t tell when or if he’s going to turn or change lanes.

“Goddamned fucking stupid fucking idiot”

The stupid fucking idiot makes you slow down while the assholes in the left lane blow by you at high velocity.

“Sucker”

Someone who unsuccessfully prevents you from cutting into his lane.

“Perfect”

Someone who drives at exactly the same speed you do, doesn’t get in your way, switches lanes exactly when you would, listens to the same music, has the same job, makes the same amount of money, lives in the same house, and has the same attractive jawline in the rear-view mirror.

All of the above apply to both men and women. To get the terms to use for women, in the first group, substitute the word ‘bitch’ for ‘asshole’; and in the second, substitute ‘dumb’ for ’stupid’ and ‘bitch’ for ‘idiot’. The meanings do not change at all regardless of gender. People seem to be equal-opportunity name-callers, when it comes right down to it.

Armed with this terminology, you are now prepared to correctly interpret the descriptions of rush-hour traffic you get from your co-workers and friends. Here is a small example.

The Situation:

Driver D is trying to merge onto Route 128 North during the afternoon rush-hour. After several unsuccessful attempts to merge between drivers A1, A2, A3, and A4, she finally worms her way in between A5 and A6. Upon doing so, she immediately accelerates to attack velocity and pulls into the passing lane behind driver I, cutting off driver R. Driver I, unfortunately, is going more slowly than D would like–and furthermore, he is not paying attention, almost misses his exit and is forced to clamp on his brakes and cut (sans turn-signal) through all three travel lanes to get to the exit ramp before it passes by. In doing so, he cuts off drivers J, K, and L.

D: “…and so I was minding my own business, trying to merge onto 128 northbound, but there was this whole string of assholes in the right lane trying to get off the exit ramp. When I finally found a hole, I got stuck behind this stupid idiot, who crawls all the way up to the Woburn exit, at which point the goddamned fuckin’ stupid fuckin’ asshole slams on his brakes and cuts across three lanes of traffic to make the exit ramp…”

A1-A5: “You dumb fuck, you’re not getting in in front of me! Wait your turn!”

A6: “Asshole!” [hits the brakes]

I: “Ahh, perfect. I’ll just sit here in the left lane and let these losers contend with the merging traffic…oh, shit! There’s my exit!” [slams on brakes and forces his way into the middle lane] “You lose, sucker–here I come…”

J: “You stupid asshole!” [honks the horn]

K: “You stupid fucking asshole!” [leans on the horn]

L: “God-dammit, you fucking stupid fucking asshole!” [shatters the horn, gives some old lady the finger, and bursts a blood vessel]

I have this theory, you see, that most of the stupidity one observes on America’s highways is the result of the fact that nobody wants to be made to feel like an idiot — and that this is such a strong compulsion that a person is willing to be an asshole just to avoid looking like an idiot. With this system, an objective listener can easily resolve what actually happened in a situation such as our example above, even if only given D’s original rendition of the story. Under the usual assumptions, you begin by believing that D is perfect, and therefore accept her underlying theory that she (being an above-average driver, of course) had to contend with a bunch of assholes in traffic, and feel sympathetic. With this new system, you can easily and objectively sort out the fact that the dumb bitch got her just comeuppance for having cut in front of you while trying to merge in traffic on the way home from work.

Or something like that, anyway.

Filed by Michael at 17:03 under Personal, Story
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